Tuesday, September 25, 2012

AppleTard Tales 2


Therupuzhudhi was standing in queue for iPhone 11. It was at the edge of invention the world had never seen before. Measuring as long as a foot-long Subway sandwich it looked exactly like iPhone 1. Looks can be deceiving. The iPhone 11 was revolutionary; the connector cable was eight-digital and could be plugged into any Apple gadget or the asshole of an AppleTard. The earphones could fit into the ear, nostril and specially designed fit into any body cavity.

He had attended the Apple event when the homosexual Tim Cook had shown very revealing photos..of the iPhone 11. Ever since, he had fantasized holding in his hands what Tim Cook held in his hands. Therupuzhudhi wanted to be the first to get the latest iPhone, hi-fi an Apple Genius and celebrate by going on a special diet to cure himself of gonorrhea. That his Prophet had taught him. If cancer could be cured by eating seaweed, gonorrhea was nothing! 

He got a phone call from his sister. Their mother had had an accident and was dying. She needed a blood transfusion and he had the same blood group as his mother. Between a dying mother and the iPhone, the choice was obvious for any self-respecting AppleTard. He pretended the call dropped and pretend-blamed AT&T. His sister decided to come in person and persuade Therupuzhudhi to come to the hospital where their mother was admitted. Right in front of his eyes his sister was gang-raped and he looked the other way. How many un-beautiful things he had to endure before he could get his hands on the most beautiful thing ever! 

Just as the Apple Temple was about to open the hallowed gates, a bomb exploded inside the store and killed all employees. The inventory was destroyed completely. Therupuzhudhi cried.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

AppleTard Tales 1

Therupuzhudhi was getting ready to go from Hayesville, Oregon to Salem, Oregon for a desi potluck, a distance of about three miles. A week ago he had a new life-changing experience by buying a new iPhone preloaded with Apple Maps. He could not wait to show off his latest transformation. 

Thanks to the poor implementation of Apple Maps, he was directed to Salem, Tamil Nadu, India. But Apple and Steve Jobs could never be wrong. May be it was a short-cut, reasoned Therupuzhidhi. He drove through the Canadian border, then the North Pole, across Russia, Afghanistan, Pakistan and finally to Salem, Tamil Nadu, India. He was surprised that was not the Salem he was looking for.

So what if the maps sucked and he was a retard? Apple was about design and user experience. His life had been transformed by a phone. He was the first to buy the next iPhone. 

A week later he was invited for a baby shower. In Madras, Oregon.