Tuesday, September 25, 2012

AppleTard Tales 2

Therupuzhudhi was standing in queue for iPhone 11. It was at the edge of invention the world had never seen before. Measuring as long as a foot-long Subway sandwich it looked exactly like iPhone 1. Looks can be deceiving. The iPhone 11 was revolutionary; the connector cable was eight-digital and could be plugged into any Apple gadget or the asshole of an AppleTard. The earphones could fit into the ear, nostril and specially designed fit into any body cavity.

He had attended the Apple event when the homosexual Tim Cook had shown very revealing photos..of the iPhone 11. Ever since, he had fantasized holding in his hands what Tim Cook held in his hands. Therupuzhudhi wanted to be the first to get the latest iPhone, hi-fi an Apple Genius and celebrate by going on a special diet to cure himself of gonorrhea. That his Prophet had taught him. If cancer could be cured by eating seaweed, gonorrhea was nothing! 

He got a phone call from his sister. Their mother had had an accident and was dying. She needed a blood transfusion and he had the same blood group as his mother. Between a dying mother and the iPhone, the choice was obvious for any self-respecting AppleTard. He pretended the call dropped and pretend-blamed AT&T. His sister decided to come in person and persuade Therupuzhudhi to come to the hospital where their mother was admitted. Right in front of his eyes his sister was gang-raped and he looked the other way. How many un-beautiful things he had to endure before he could get his hands on the most beautiful thing ever! 

Just as the Apple Temple was about to open the hallowed gates, a bomb exploded inside the store and killed all employees. The inventory was destroyed completely. Therupuzhudhi cried.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

AppleTard Tales 1

Therupuzhudhi was getting ready to go from Hayesville, Oregon to Salem, Oregon for a desi potluck, a distance of about three miles. A week ago he had a new life-changing experience by buying a new iPhone preloaded with Apple Maps. He could not wait to show off his latest transformation. 

Thanks to the poor implementation of Apple Maps, he was directed to Salem, Tamil Nadu, India. But Apple and Steve Jobs could never be wrong. May be it was a short-cut, reasoned Therupuzhidhi. He drove through the Canadian border, then the North Pole, across Russia, Afghanistan, Pakistan and finally to Salem, Tamil Nadu, India. He was surprised that was not the Salem he was looking for.

So what if the maps sucked and he was a retard? Apple was about design and user experience. His life had been transformed by a phone. He was the first to buy the next iPhone. 

A week later he was invited for a baby shower. In Madras, Oregon.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Real Armani Story

Ramasamy was a tailor from Arasapatti. He had five daughters before he had a son whom he named Manivannan, Mani to his friends. Mani loved idli so much that he illegally immigrated to a land named after idli. They just got the spelling wrong, Italy or something. Mani retained his father's skills and founded A.R.Mani Tailors near the Rome bus stand. The initials A.R stood for his place of origin and his father's name. He worked hard and drank a lot of wine. Today A.R.Mani Tailors is a global brand called Armani. Forward this to everyone if YOU ARE A TRUE INDIAN!!!! In case I left out a few more exclamation marks, have some more!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Mambalam Superheroes

When you were a kid and Nungampakkam/Bombay relatives gave your parents child-rearing advice/exhibits, chances are you thought your parents deserved it. You can be forgiven if you realize your mistake now. 

I am now convinced that overblowing the child's insignificant achievements on the refrigerator/mantelpiece and overdose of positive feedback/complimenting cause more harm than good in the long-term. Comparing you unfavorably with a cousin/neighbor, general under-appreciation and disapproval gave you Superhero qualities to save the world. Low self-confidence and low self-esteem are why wars will be prevented.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Little Johnny

Little Johnny went to school. He was not given any homework or tests, and never asked to read the textbook. He had a weekly science project which meant he sat around watching cartoons while his parents ran around   to find something to do. They rolled up decorative paper around tennis balls and gave them to Johnny. He thought he was designing the solar system, the universe or something and decorating tennis balls with jigina paper was all there was to science and astronomy. But what the hell, he was was enjoying learning.

Thanks to several other science projects he developed a crush on  dinosaurs, sharks and the Amazon forest. He loved science and wanted to be paleontologist. Unionized teachers regularly took him to insectariums which they preferred to real teaching work. There he was amazed by cooperative insects, ants, bees and termites. He started fantasizing about the wonders of government housing, public transport and social engineering at a very young age. Nothing mattered because he was enjoying learning and loving science. He got straight A's!

Then the syllabus got harder. The useless dinosaur and planetary science projects gave way to the real deal -- physics, sine theta, cos theta and Newton's laws of motion. The A grades mutated into F's faster than the time it took to say 'Dinosaur'. That was when Johnny found out he did not like math and science really. But he could opt for electives before he could spell the word 'elective'. He opted for European languages and Mayan 2012 history and got better grades than 'F'. 

It is not clear if he passed 12th standard (graduate high school is the accepted terminology) or not but he ended up as an insurance agent or Wal-Mart employee or something he had a passion for! He retained his love for insects, dinosaurs and the fascination for the juvenile universe he designed in grade three as it anesthetized him from his F grades in real science and math. He loved Star Trek and every stupid alien movie refusing to grow up beyond grade three. People like him made mediocre alien, sci-fi and global catastrophe movies into box-office blockbusters. He became a registered Democrat.

A casual observer thought: "If Johnny had been given lots of homework and tests in school, there was a chance he could have passed the science/math exams and gotten a useful degree. On the job, he could have re-edited, re-recorded and re-mixed the concepts he mugged up to pass examinations, understood the concepts years later, and turned out to be a productive worker and citizen. We could have had better movies, a better electorate and a better country."

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Public Library

I have spotted my passion in life. I want to work at the public library. Yes, I want to be paid for arranging books. What else does a librarian do? He/she does not have to be well-read anymore. What is the need if fully grown adults read vampire pornography? One item less on the required skill-set.

At Wal-Mart I have taken clothes out from hangars and never bothered to put them back where they belong. I'd be at the receiving end of that habit as a library worker. Karma bitch. Other than that I'd hear violins in the background. I thought about the worst that can be thrown at me. A 85-year old lady wants help identifying a self-help book she half-read in 1991. Black cover, author's name is Jones or something. The unemployed and poor sit around browsing the free Internet as if they are at Starbucks. They run into problems printing their spelling/grammar error-ridden resumes for cash clerk jobs and I have to go help them over. Like clicking 'Print'. What next?

One small problem, I almost forgot. I'd not be paid much. I try to focus on the positives. I imagine being surrounded by books that I don't have to read. I'd be bored in a good way. The smell of old paper and municipal work are guaranteed to make me feel old-fashioned and community-centric like that Florida shooter Zimmerman. I just have to win a modest lottery sum. Matter settled.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Fuck Apple again

I bought undisclosed amount of Apple shares at $80 and exited when it hit $600. By undisclosed I mean insignificant amount that does not let me retire and force me to rant on blogger.

Anyhow, the story about my iPhone purchase is pretty simple - I wanted a phone to browse with AT&T and that was my only option. I have never plugged the shit to a computer and never updated the OS. Who the fuck does that to a phone?

Now, after two years my daughter broke the charger that came in the phone's box. Which, if you've used the piece of shit will realize to be a big fucking deal because you will not be able to receive calls, making your beloveds go 'செத்தன்னைக்கு வான்னா பத்தன்னைக்கு வர்ற?'. The local 7-11 did not have a charger. The local Apple store wanted the profits I made in the first para and one of my testes and kidneys for a charger.

I set forth on a journey to find something affordable online. I found one for $1, I was happy, until I read the comments; sample this -

I compared the cable I received with my original iPhone 4 and 3 cables. I cannot tell any differences other than a slightly different feel of the rubber/plastic material along the cable length, which by the way also differs between my genuine Apple iphone 4 and 3 cables. Another reviewer posted pictures on Amazon in which the cable in question appeared to have a slightly wider or larger connectors, but mine are identical in size, and appearance.

I am very happy with this purchase and will purchase several more.

ADDENDUM April 20, 2011
After my initial great experience with the cable (that I ordered from Amazon's merchant Cellular 5 Star), I ordered 3 more cables, and did not realize that the "default" merchant had changed to Importer520. I just received these 3 cables and they look similar to genuine Apple cables at quick glance, but on closer inspection, they all had surface blemishes and slight irregularities. They also had a suspicious looking "Designed by Apple in California Assembled in China" stamped on the cable length.

The cable from Cellular 5 Star was of very good quality that I could NOT distinguish from genuine Apple cables, but the ones from Importer520 are slightly inferior. The feel of the cable length material is good though, in that it is supple. It will coil and uncoil without keeping the bent shape.

I have contacted Importer520 to see if I can get a refund, but their stated return policy states that they will not refund shipping costs, which when I ordered was almost all the purchase price.

ADDENDUM June 16, 2011
I purchased another "OEM" cable, this time from Item44Less and this cable is the worst of the bunch. The length of the cable is made out of a rigid plastic that does not bend like the more supple rubber-like material of the genuine Apple cables or even from Cellular 5 Star or Importer520.

ADDENDUM September 2, 2011
I purchased another "OEM" cable, this time from C and J Accessories, which actually qualifies for Amazon Prime since their order fulfillment is through Amazon. This cable is clearly not authentic with the end that connects to the iPhone being larger by about 0.5 mm width and length. The other Amazon merchants cables were identical to design, but differed in quality. This cable actually differs in its design with its wider and thicker connector end. The length of the cable is also more plastic than a flexible rubber, compared to authentic Apple cables. I would say this is almost as bad as Item44Less.

ADDENDUM September 19, 2011
I purchased a cable from Niceeshop and it looks genuine except that the cable length material is not as supple as the genuine Apple cables. The cable length material is not as rigid as the Item44Less cable, but more inflexible (retaining bends) than the Importer520 cables.

SUMMARY (Ranked in order of similarity to an authentic Apple cable)
1. Cellular 5 Star cables are the best and indistinguishable from my genuine Apple iPhone cables.
2. Importer520 is acceptable, but slightly inferior to Cellular 5 Star with some cosmetic blemishes. The cable length is made out of a high quality material.
3. Niceeshop is acceptable, but the cable length is not as supple as the Cellular 5 Star or Importer520.
4. C and J Accessories, although it qualifies for Amazon Prime, has its iPhone connector end as larger than the authentic one with a cheaper cable length material.
5. I would avoid Item44Less because of the rigid plastic cable material that does not bend and keeps the angular bent formation from its coiled position during shipping. The cable length material is the lowest quality (i.e. most plastic like) compared to the above four competitors.

Seriously? Can't I just use a phone for making fucking phone calls? As I write this the stupid phone is dying.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Mannangatti Returns

The typist was typically named Sumathi or Rosy. She was the life of the office. Middle-aged clerks were all over her like James Cameron over cocaine. She'd give them what they wanted: a giggle at their stupid jokes, some peeks and a few touches. In return, unaccounted-for leave days and proxy signatures on the attendance register were freely traded. Not to mention the condoning of stupid mistakes she made when jotting down their dictation.

It was this Mannangatti was thinking about as he was fighting another null pointer exception in his cubicle. He had missed the Indian 1970s clerical honeymoon, the U.S. 1980s executive/managerial orgy and the dot-com bubble due to the timing of his birth. The young female colleague/subordinate who speaks with an upward inflection has it easier than Typist Rosy, he surmised. Blonde or not, she gives far less and gets far more. He was God-promise sure the slight resentment he felt had nothing to do with his not being part of the barter action.

He could not command a private secretary to proxy-type for another..eight years at the very least, he calculated. If he played his cards perfectly right and luck held through. So, it'd take longer. After all, Saturn is not very kind even at the eighth house.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


The slide should have begun with Diet Coke. Then everything else followed soon. Splenda for sugar. Two of the three kaapis a day were replaced by tea. Coarse cracked wheat or chappathi instead of boiled rice instead of white rice. Gum for cigarette. Vipassana and meditation for alcohol. The veggie delight. Cable/satellite TV Max became Basic Digital which is what they have in prison. Two weeks from now I will not have any cable or satellite TV to watch, after almost twenty years.

Life has become a small pint of Coors Lite.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Facebook Equality

Facebook can look like a bad remake of a bad movie, Autograph. But Facebook is a great evener in a lot of ways. The hot girl in eleventh standard and the most popular boy in tenth standard who never so much as acknowledged your presence all those years ago are now "friends" with you. You are on the same or comparable standing, even if only virtual, with the boy/girl who was ranked first in class while you came sixteenth. He/she wanted to get into IIT or work for NASA. You wanted to score just pass mark, become a government office clerk and fail officer exams. Fast forward to present, he/she is in XYZ company and you are in ABC company. XYZ is a client of ABC and both companies are listed on the NASDAQ. You could pretend that eventually you turned out to be as good as he/she and no one would know otherwise. You got married and posted some cool photos. The scores are even, more or less.

Before there could be Facebook or at least Facebook as we know it today, there had to be June 1983. No, not that thing called the "World Cup" but more pertinently the Fourth Pay Commission was constituted in India and a lot of central government employees saw their monthly salaries touch four digits for the first time. The National Savings Certificate with miserable interest rates was the investment of choice for the lower middle class. Now, with the extra cash and the trend of the times, there was a shiny new stock called 'the best/right kind of education.' This new stock cost the best/right kind of money but would pay off handsomely in the long run.

By all tangible measurements the stock has performed. Socioeconomic alchemy, the ration card to credit card transformation and the Facebook equality discussed above. The middle class bias of frowning upon non-mainstream career/academic ideas seems to have worked mathematically in providing some minimum guarantees. This was possible in no small part due to a benign happenstance, Aamir Khan did not make -- considering how well the movie was received -- 3 Idiots in the 80s/90s. The problem is that teenagers and young adults think they know everything but lack the perspective to make important decisions. The difference between following the heart and obeying the parents is not as trivial as the mere size of the car or house. More often the difference is living with some romantic regrets versus crushing failure accompanied by a lot of remorse. Unless your father has a lot of money to spare or you are (let's be honest) female.

It will be interesting to find out how many of the people who made non-mainstream career/academic choices do not have considerable regrets. You know the people who pursued B.A history, advertising, photography, fashion design and other cool things. From what I have heard, I am thankful I am locked into conformity and a job I hate.