Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Reboot

If Obama and Hillary can press that button with no consequence, so can we.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

AppleTard Tales 2


Therupuzhudhi was standing in queue for iPhone 11. It was at the edge of invention the world had never seen before. Measuring as long as a foot-long Subway sandwich it looked exactly like iPhone 1. Looks can be deceiving. The iPhone 11 was revolutionary; the connector cable was eight-digital and could be plugged into any Apple gadget or the asshole of an AppleTard. The earphones could fit into the ear, nostril and specially designed fit into any body cavity.

He had attended the Apple event when the homosexual Tim Cook had shown very revealing photos..of the iPhone 11. Ever since, he had fantasized holding in his hands what Tim Cook held in his hands. Therupuzhudhi wanted to be the first to get the latest iPhone, hi-fi an Apple Genius and celebrate by going on a special diet to cure himself of gonorrhea. That his Prophet had taught him. If cancer could be cured by eating seaweed, gonorrhea was nothing! 

He got a phone call from his sister. Their mother had had an accident and was dying. She needed a blood transfusion and he had the same blood group as his mother. Between a dying mother and the iPhone, the choice was obvious for any self-respecting AppleTard. He pretended the call dropped and pretend-blamed AT&T. His sister decided to come in person and persuade Therupuzhudhi to come to the hospital where their mother was admitted. Right in front of his eyes his sister was gang-raped and he looked the other way. How many un-beautiful things he had to endure before he could get his hands on the most beautiful thing ever! 

Just as the Apple Temple was about to open the hallowed gates, a bomb exploded inside the store and killed all employees. The inventory was destroyed completely. Therupuzhudhi cried.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

AppleTard Tales 1

Therupuzhudhi was getting ready to go from Hayesville, Oregon to Salem, Oregon for a desi potluck, a distance of about three miles. A week ago he had a new life-changing experience by buying a new iPhone preloaded with Apple Maps. He could not wait to show off his latest transformation. 

Thanks to the poor implementation of Apple Maps, he was directed to Salem, Tamil Nadu, India. But Apple and Steve Jobs could never be wrong. May be it was a short-cut, reasoned Therupuzhidhi. He drove through the Canadian border, then the North Pole, across Russia, Afghanistan, Pakistan and finally to Salem, Tamil Nadu, India. He was surprised that was not the Salem he was looking for.

So what if the maps sucked and he was a retard? Apple was about design and user experience. His life had been transformed by a phone. He was the first to buy the next iPhone. 

A week later he was invited for a baby shower. In Madras, Oregon.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Real Armani Story

Ramasamy was a tailor from Arasapatti. He had five daughters before he had a son whom he named Manivannan, Mani to his friends. Mani loved idli so much that he illegally immigrated to a land named after idli. They just got the spelling wrong, Italy or something. Mani retained his father's skills and founded A.R.Mani Tailors near the Rome bus stand. The initials A.R stood for his place of origin and his father's name. He worked hard and drank a lot of wine. Today A.R.Mani Tailors is a global brand called Armani. Forward this to everyone if YOU ARE A TRUE INDIAN!!!! In case I left out a few more exclamation marks, have some more!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Mambalam Superheroes


When you were a kid and Nungampakkam/Bombay relatives gave your parents child-rearing advice/exhibits, chances are you thought your parents deserved it. You can be forgiven if you realize your mistake now. 

I am now convinced that overblowing the child's insignificant achievements on the refrigerator/mantelpiece and overdose of positive feedback/complimenting cause more harm than good in the long-term. Comparing you unfavorably with a cousin/neighbor, general under-appreciation and disapproval gave you Superhero qualities to save the world. Low self-confidence and low self-esteem are why wars will be prevented.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Little Johnny


Little Johnny went to school. He was not given any homework or tests, and never asked to read the textbook. He had a weekly science project which meant he sat around watching cartoons while his parents ran around   to find something to do. They rolled up decorative paper around tennis balls and gave them to Johnny. He thought he was designing the solar system, the universe or something and decorating tennis balls with jigina paper was all there was to science and astronomy. But what the hell, he was was enjoying learning.

Thanks to several other science projects he developed a crush on  dinosaurs, sharks and the Amazon forest. He loved science and wanted to be paleontologist. Unionized teachers regularly took him to insectariums which they preferred to real teaching work. There he was amazed by cooperative insects, ants, bees and termites. He started fantasizing about the wonders of government housing, public transport and social engineering at a very young age. Nothing mattered because he was enjoying learning and loving science. He got straight A's!

Then the syllabus got harder. The useless dinosaur and planetary science projects gave way to the real deal -- physics, sine theta, cos theta and Newton's laws of motion. The A grades mutated into F's faster than the time it took to say 'Dinosaur'. That was when Johnny found out he did not like math and science really. But he could opt for electives before he could spell the word 'elective'. He opted for European languages and Mayan 2012 history and got better grades than 'F'. 

It is not clear if he passed 12th standard (graduate high school is the accepted terminology) or not but he ended up as an insurance agent or Wal-Mart employee or something he had a passion for! He retained his love for insects, dinosaurs and the fascination for the juvenile universe he designed in grade three as it anesthetized him from his F grades in real science and math. He loved Star Trek and every stupid alien movie refusing to grow up beyond grade three. People like him made mediocre alien, sci-fi and global catastrophe movies into box-office blockbusters. He became a registered Democrat.

A casual observer thought: "If Johnny had been given lots of homework and tests in school, there was a chance he could have passed the science/math exams and gotten a useful degree. On the job, he could have re-edited, re-recorded and re-mixed the concepts he mugged up to pass examinations, understood the concepts years later, and turned out to be a productive worker and citizen. We could have had better movies, a better electorate and a better country."

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Public Library


I have spotted my passion in life. I want to work at the public library. Yes, I want to be paid for arranging books. What else does a librarian do? He/she does not have to be well-read anymore. What is the need if fully grown adults read vampire pornography? One item less on the required skill-set.

At Wal-Mart I have taken clothes out from hangars and never bothered to put them back where they belong. I'd be at the receiving end of that habit as a library worker. Karma bitch. Other than that I'd hear violins in the background. I thought about the worst that can be thrown at me. A 85-year old lady wants help identifying a self-help book she half-read in 1991. Black cover, author's name is Jones or something. The unemployed and poor sit around browsing the free Internet as if they are at Starbucks. They run into problems printing their spelling/grammar error-ridden resumes for cash clerk jobs and I have to go help them over. Like clicking 'Print'. What next?

One small problem, I almost forgot. I'd not be paid much. I try to focus on the positives. I imagine being surrounded by books that I don't have to read. I'd be bored in a good way. The smell of old paper and municipal work are guaranteed to make me feel old-fashioned and community-centric like that Florida shooter Zimmerman. I just have to win a modest lottery sum. Matter settled.